quirt: punishment

April 15, 2008 at 3:15 pm (D/s, implements, other pictures, personal play, pictures of me, real life punishment)

I had my first experience of a quirt a little while ago. A kinky friend of mine is a bit of an expert in making and using leather whips, and back when we were first getting to know each other he promised me my first taste of one of his toys. For various reasons we’ve never had quite as many chances to play as we’d both like, and by the time we finally made a date in February we had a whole bunch of desires and intentions to explore together.

Th evening didn’t start well. It was my fault, really. I’d been ill recently, had a long shoot that day, and was exhausted when I got home afterwards. I ended up running very late. We were trying out a new fetish night, and had originally planned to meet up first so we could get ready and travel to the club together. I was overwhelmed by stuff to do and kept postponing our meeting time, until eventually we agreed to just get ready separately and meet at the club. I said I’d text him as I was leaving the house so he could aim to arrive at the same time, but I forgot to send the text. I’d called and told him I was leaving in a few minutes, but I was meant to then text and confirm and I didn’t. He ended up waiting at home for twenty minutes before deciding to leave anyway, and I didn’t realise my mistake until I was on the tube and out of phone access. He got to the club considerably later than I did and he wasn’t impressed.

While I was waiting for him to arrive I felt really anxious. I knew I’d messed up and I didn’t know if he’d still be angry when he got there, and I didn’t know if he’d be the kind of angry that could be resolved in role or if our date was ruined before it started.

Eventually we found each other, and the look in his eye told me everything I needed to know. I was definitely in trouble. But it was the kind of trouble that meant I was going home with him at the end of the evening. I breathed a sigh of relief as I kissed his hand and said I was sorry. “Oh, you will be,” he said, and the threat held just enough of a spark of mischief that I could let go of my guilt. It would be dealt with later and I knew he’d be fair.

The fact that he was choosing to react in this way – that he wasn’t letting me get away with messing him around, but he was determined to not let it affect our time together – was deeply reassuring. I felt the letting go, the security I always feel when I’m faced with discipline I know I can rely on. It feels very safe to know that I won’t get away with something. Knowing I’d be punished later, that I’d atone in full, let me put the guilty feelings aside and start to enjoy my evening.

We had all sorts of adventures that night, both in the club and afterwards at his place, but those are another story. At one point in the evening he told me to stand with my hands resting on the wall while he used the quirt on me for the first time. I’ve wanted to taste this implement for years. He told me that this is what he’d be using for my punishment later. Twenty hard strokes, one for each minute he was kept waiting at home. I swallowed and looked down, knowing it was fair, frightened and excited but feeling that same security in his authority that was completely relaxing. He flicked the quirt against my shoulders, my back and buttocks, then started wrapping it, lashing my nipples and belly with the leather tips with perfect accuracy. The pain started to mount and each lash was beginning to really hurt. I was squirming in response to the quick, burning strokes and he had to tell me angrily to stay still.

Much later, when it was time for my punishment, I knew it was inevitable and I accepted it. He was gentle and firm and looked deeply into my eyes, checking in and connecting with me before telling me to resume my position against the wall. The whipping was hard and slow. I sobbed my count and my thanks after each stroke. I was quiet at first, concentrating on my breathing and on my count, emptying my mind and accepting the pain. By halfway through it was seriously hurting and I was struggling to stay still. By the end I was screaming before I found the breath to give my count, and afterwards I felt emptied, cleansed, resolved. It was closure, both emotionally and physically. Enough pain for me to really get a grip on, enough for me to feel pushed. I felt like I’d needed it, and in a strange way it was deeply satisfying.

Afterwards I knelt before him and thanked him for my punishment in a much more intimate way. I was very glad to be able to give him some closure in return. Tired and contented, we curled up in each other’s arms and talked quietly as we drifted off to sleep. The sun had come up some time ago.

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6 Comments

  1. pixie said,

    The marks the quirt left look like flames!! From your description, it sounds like they felt that way too.

  2. Pandora said,

    The marks were beautiful. The sensation of those strokes was intensely sharp; a sudden, white-hot slice of pain. But used more lightly, I find the quirt is very flame-like. A licking heat that cooks the skin it touches. I don’t own a quirt yet, but I definitely want one. I want to explore this more :)

  3. A Fan said,

    It looks like you enjoy more severity in your personal play, then in your professional career. If you agree, why do you think that is?

  4. Pandora said,

    Hiya, thanks for your question :)

    My interest in severity pretty much directly correlates to my trust in the person I’m playing with. The more trust, respect and intimacy there is between us, the more interest I have in being taken further. Normally on set I’m being topped by people I have a professional relationship with. Usually we’re friends and there’s often a nice tension, but they aren’t usually lovers. I’ve met a few play partners through the scene, but haven’t done many shoots with them.

    When I do get to sub to one of my Doms on film, I do tend to go further. We don’t push my limits every time – for a start, a lot of viewers are upset by more violent play and are more interested in hand-spanking and the anticipation and ritual surrounding it. Secondly, there’s no *need* to push the boat out every time on a shoot. Sometimes I enjoy taking it a bit further with a top I trust, but the main point on a shoot is to get the look and feel the director is aiming for. There’s no need to go all-out every time, and directors are often very keen to look after their models. What I do in private is my business, but if I were to make severe films every time I and the studios I worked for might acquire a certain reputation which they aren’t necessarily interested in.

    I also find it much easier to take severe pain off-camera. In a private scene I can relax completely and let the top take absolute control of the scene. I float; all I need to focus on is my obedience and fortitude. On set, I have to be aware of camera angles, dialogue, scene changes – all sorts of things that stop me being immersed in a scene. I’m not normally in subspace when I’m filming – half of me is in character (and my character isn’t in subspace either; they’re usually a hapless victim, not a pliant submissive) and half of me is focussed on the logistics of filming. When I can let go completely, playing harder comes much more naturally.

    I don’t play hard every time, though. This whipping wasn’t the most severe I’ve had, but I don’t indulge in CP of this level very often. Mostly that’s a practical consideration – a scene like this requires hours of focussed build up, and the same amount of recovery time afterwards. Even my Doms and I don’t play scenes like this very often, because we don’t normally have the time and energy to devote to long involved scenes. I’d love to play longer, harder scenes more often, but I have no desire to put pressure on myself or my partners when we’re all busy people with other interests and needs.

    There’s also the fact that I get a lot of light hand-spankings and tawsings etc at home which I don’t necessarily write about in my blog – for the reasons I wrote about in my most recent entry; there isn’t necessarily much story to them. The scenes I write about here aren’t an accurate reflection of my personal play because I write about the most interesting or memorable scenes, rather than the everyday ones.

    That said, I am interested in reflecting more of my personal play in the film work I do. Longer, more involved films, with trusted tops, where I can go deeper. I’d love to be whipped with a quirt on camera – the marks are just beautiful! Maybe a historical setting would suit it? Something judicial, perhaps… :)

  5. A Fan said,

    First I want to thank you for taking the time and effort to answer my question. I have been following your blog for some time now from across the pond, and it is the first time I ever commented.

    You answer made a lot of sense, and it helped me understand the on camera/acting aspect of film making. I personally like what I would call the middle range, more akin to the pictures included in this post. I find films like Mood Pictures or Lupus to be too severe with the intense bruising and marking, but a hand spanking or paddling that just makes the buns pink, leaves much to be desired. The “spanking” should hurt and leave some reminders to be enjoyed, as well as generate the level of intensity you discussed.

    I too do not always play at that intensity level for just the same reason, we do not often have the time required to properly set the scene.

    Thank you again for sharing and giving such a wonderfully detailed response.

  6. Pandora said,

    I’m very glad you commented – it was an interesting question to answer :) I guess for a lot of subs there’s a certain amount of pride in being able to take or survive intense pain. Of course we want to show off on camera. We want to push ourselves and we want to be seen to be pushed. It would be irritating for a viewer to assume that just because we make lighter movies, that’s as hard as we’re capable or interested in playing. So yeah, it’s a complex issue with quite a lot of emotional significance.

    I think a lot of people prefer the middle range – Amber “Pixie” Wells posted an enlightening post on this recently, which you might find interesting. Personally, I enjoy the full range. My submissiveness and my pain threshold vary wildly depending on my physical and emotional state, stress levels, distractions, context, who I’m playing with … sometimes I just want a gentle, sensual, reassuring spanking that doesn’t really hurt, just to “check in” with my kinky side, but when I’m too fragile to actually enjoy something harsher. If I’m shooting with someone I’m not entirely comfortable with (it doesn’t happen often, but it’s happened once or twice), the lighter the CP is, the better. Most of the time, though, I want to be pushed. How far you can push me varies hugely, but whatever my limits are in that place and time, I’m usually interested in feeling like I’ve come close to them. This doesn’t necessarily require harsh physical pain, though – psychological edginess can be just as powerful.

    Thanks again for your question – as I’m sure you’ve worked out I could go on about this for hours! I look forward to hearing from you again next time something interests you :)

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